Midlife Lessons

I believe one of the most important things we can do a midlife is to become more comfortable asking questions. The first half of our life we look for answers to a multitude of questions, irritated with those given us by our own authority figures.

Seldom do parents teach their children the value in asking questions. I didn't learn I could ask them until I reached midlife. Since I'd had so little experience with them, I hardly knew how to begin. How to throw out what I'd been taught by others, reevaluate and reincorporate and then integrate those question into what I had been taught.

Elie Wiesel said it so well. "I have no doubt that questions have their own magic, their own charm, their own immortality."

The challenge today is, instead of looking for answers given you by other people, go out and embrace the questions and discover the magic in so doing.

Try it. It is a beautiful journey. If you don't know how to begin, you might start with taking a piece of paper and on it write: "What if....." then keep going with a whole series of What if...? each generated as a spin off from the first one. See where it takes you.

Alpha Inventions

Alpha Inventions

Heard of Alpha Inventions? I've just learned of it yesterday. AI is a RSS feed that speeds through hundreds of blogs while we stop along the way and read the latest of interest. I'm checking it out now, hoping to get a feed on mine.

Watch out!

Our community values, beliefs, and norms must not be restricted by our historical interpretation of what is or is not legitimate.

The Three Burials of Melquiadas Estrada

I watched a movie last night that I'd like to recommend to you. The star is Tommy Lee Jones, my heartthrob anyway. But in this movie he isn't the heart stealer.

It's a tale of an old man who cares deeply for his friend and goes way beyond the second mile to grant the man his last wish--that after he dies, please take his body back to this town in Mexico for burial.

It is also a tale of transformation and forgiveness. Beautiful story. My second time to watch it and afterward, hubby and I decided it was one of the few movies we wanted to purchase to watch over and over again. We don't do that with too many movies. It is well worth your time and money.

When we talk about rules to live by--this movie personifies that. When you watch it, let me know what you think of it. See if you come away feeling like a better person.

I FINISHED IT!

I am thrilled to report I'm back on line with my blog after an extended leave to finish my latest work, a mainstream women's historical fiction set during WW11. Now I am busy marketing the work to literary agents and am excited to report positive responses.

SO:

Keep an eye out for: A WAR OF HER OWN


A WAR OF HER OWN transports the reader to a time and place when the whole world is at war. Desperate people caught in the backwater of the Great Depression flock to sleepy little Orange, Texas, a town in the middle of social revolution. The population soars over 700 percent as a result of jobs-for-the-taking at the local shipyards. Folks have money to burn, but with little to spend it on or a place to lay their heads. Except for the distant war, times are good. Production output of dreadnaughts, destroyer escorts, and P-T boats break all records. Signs announce, If you work here, YOU KNOW you’re good. Gypsies camp out around open campfires. Shantytowns spring up to accommodate the severe housing shortage. Beds rent by the hour, the sheets still warm from one body when the next body crawls in. Frenetic, hectic, and exhilarating. Life is good for everyone--except Bea Meade, who fights another war, and the enemy resides within her.

"Top 20 Summer Reads-2009"

Click on the title of this post for a link to the website of The Best Book Club and the top 20 Summer Reads 2009

Writer's Contest

The San Gabriel Writers' League announces the 2009 WritingSmarter Contest. Categories include Novel (all genres), Short Fiction and Short Nonfiction (articles, memoir) with prizes of $100 for first place, $75 for second and $50 for third place awarded in each of these categories and an entry fee of $20 due for first submission, and $15 for each additional entry. We have lowered our Poetry category fee to $10 for up to two poems of 50 lines or less. Cash prizes for this category will be $75 for first place, $50 for second, and $25 for third place. And of course all will benefit from the terrific feedback given by our judges. Manuscripts need to be postmarked by July 27th. Please download the rules and the official registration form at WWW.SGWL.NET.

Top 20 Suummer Reads!

I know I told you I am taking a short break to write, but couldn't resist this!!

It is one of the most powerful lists that Conversations Book Club puts together each year. The books that make the list are from authors and genre that book club President Cyrus A. Webb have personally read and has put his stamp of approval upon. Now as the first issue in 2009 of Conversations Magazine prepares to be released, the book club is pleased to unveil those who make up the "Top 20 Summer Reads" of 2009!

I am thrilled to announce that my newest book, DEAD WRECKONING is listed in the top 20 summer reads!!

I am putting a hold on my blog for a few weeks in order to focus on my writing. However, I am on Facebook and Twitter so keep up with my whereabouts there and on my website. Take care and keep talking about my latest Sidra Smart book DEAD WRECKONING

Unattached to the Outcome

What does it mean to be attached to the outcome? Or to not be attached to it?

Often times we, in our infinite wisdom, think we have a monopoly on the truth, and if everyone would just agree with us, go to the same church, swear by the same social guidelines, preach the same message, then this world would be a better place. And if they don't, then we need to work harder to make that happen.

A better rule to live by is to do the best we can, as we see fit, and trust the process. I had a friend who told me I always "pushed the river." That I "thought I knew how things should work out and tried to insure that happened. In other words, I stood out in the middle of the river and demanded that it flow otherwise." And if it didn't, I worked harder to make that happen.


That same person taught me how to sit and watch the river flow, how to trust that process.

This is uncomfortable to many people, for we all have control issues.

How about you? Do you attempt to push the river in the direction you think it should go? Then that is attachment to the outcome.

Instead, learn to trust the process. Do what you can, then let it go.

WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD!

One of the rules I've learned to live by is that of dealing with conflict. Do I always follow these rules? Eventually, usually after I've had time to think it through and look at the issue from the other side. When I do that in an honest, authentic manner, without trying to hang onto my own ego, I find the answers on how to resolve the issues.

The first rule--SHOW UP!

1. Be 100% present with the other person. This does not mean listening while thinking of my counter attack. This means suspending my judgment long enough to understand what it is the other person is upset about. To show up also requires that I suspend past experiences. (I don't have to give up my opinion, just suspend it for the moment. That way I can hear and think more clearly. I listen without interrupting until the other person finishes speaking. This way that person has ample opportunity to express themselves, and hopefully feel listened to.

2. I paraphrase back what I think the other person said until I understand their central points. Agreement is not necessary at this point.

3. I BREATHE! Long and hard. I've learned that when I get in conflict I begin to hold my breath, which leads to an overwhelming feeling of fight, fear, flight, and stress. It shuts down my ability to do any of the above. But,when I take in deep breaths, attuning my breath with that of the other person helps us both begin to relax. That way we think more clearly.

4. I ask questions. Instead of responding in defense, which shuts down all hope of communication, ask a question! I explain why I need the question answered. For instance, "I am confused at why you are so upset about this situation, please help me understand." (The key here is genuineness. Honestly communicate that you want to know. Resist any hint of sarcasm or personal attack.)

Listen to what they say and paraphrase it back to them until the other person truly feels heard.

5. Then, after I have received feedback from the other that I truly understand what their issue is, I share my problem with it and ask them to share with me what they think I said, etc. Again, being genuine and authentic. (Fake it 'till you make it!)

By that time, I find we are usually both ready to work out a compromise. When both of us feel listened to and respected, positive changes evolve.

This rule to live by--showing up--can work wonders. It has for me.

ACT LIKE A LADY...

Act like a Lady... Who in the world coined this edict in the first place and why did Steve Harvey or his publisher, choose that outdated term for the title of his latest book? I suggest the more appropriate title Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man.

I, for one, am tired of the staid, boring, limited, constrained, unnatural, inauthentic, affected behavior of acting. What, I ask you, is wrong with a woman being a woman?

Acting connotes phoniness, pretend, trying to be someone we aren’t, a role we assume while on a stage. To call someone a lady is editorializing, describing a behavior. At times I act like a lady, but it is not who I am. I am a woman who is not required to always act like a lady and sit with her knees together. Similarly, a man is a man who does not always act like a gentleman.
I speak from experience, for I pretended to be someone other than myself for way too many years and almost lost the woman behind the role. Today I focus on being me.

Don't get me wrong. I am not opposed to a woman acting like a lady under certain circumstances. Say, when she visits the Queen, the quintessential ‘Lady.’ Or when she gets invited to the Whitehouse to meet the President and his wife—who, according to her title, must first and foremost ‘be a lady.’ God I hope she has time to not be!

One of my pet peeves is the names on bathroom doors that inform one the restroom is for LADIES and the other for MEN! Why, I ask you, must women be a lady to use that restroom when men are not expected to act like a gentleman to do the same? Fair is fair. It should either be MEN and WOMEN or GENTLEMEN and LADIES.

Now, maybe, just maybe, Steve Harvey will ask me to co-author his next book! Who knows, he might learn something too!

BAUBO, THE BELLY GODDESS

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (don’t you just love stories that start that way?) in a time before the Hebrew patriarchs, many civilizations viewed God as feminine, and treated the sacred act of procreation with great reverence. They honored all the varying aspects of women by creating myths and legends, helping them make sense out of who they were.

Tales of Baubo, the Belly Goddess helped them loosen up what they carried too tightly. Baubo made them laugh at themselves.

In other myths, this characteristic is seen in the court jester, or the clown. Native Americans saw it in the coyote—the sacred fool. The Japanese name for her is Uzume. These goddesses danced wildly, making fun of sacred ritual, not taking themselves too seriously, nurturing wholeness and balance. They danced wildly, throwing their breasts over their shoulders, kicking their legs in the air exposing their genitals, dances so ridiculous people HAD to laugh deep, tear-jerking laughter that made them hold their sides in pain.

Baubo stories are the ones that cause us to laugh at exploits of women, both real and imagined, women who use sexuality and sensuality in order to make a point, to relieve sadness, to cause laughter, and to help lighten what otherwise is a heavy load.

One aspect of the feminine we overlook today, as a result of our puritan background is the sacredness of the sexual part of ourselves as women. There is something about sacred sexual laughter that is different from a laugh about more tame things. A sexual laugh seems to reach far and deep into our psyches, shaking all manner of things loose, playing upon our bones and making a delightful feeling course through our bodies. The sacred and the sensual live in our psyche quite close to one another.

Always having to “be a lady” throttles a woman rather than helping her to breathe. To really laugh, we must be able to breathe. We know that to take a breath, we feel our emotions, and if we don’t want to feel, we hold our breath.

Baubo is that part of women that lets us behave as we see fit. It is a state of sensory awareness that includes sexuality, but is not limited to it. Baubo laughter is sacred because it is healing. It is sensual because it awakens our body and our emotions. When the laughter helps, rather than harms, when it lightens, realigns, reorders, reasserts power and strength, the laughter is sacred medicine.

Think about how women or girls behave when they get together. No one has more fun and no one laughs any more than this group of Baubos.

Take a look at your life. I rather suspect Baubo waits for you in that group of old women standing along the side of the road wishing you would show up, trying out stories on each other, and laughing their heads off like dogs.



Adapted from "Women Who Run With The Wolves" by Clarissa Pincola Estes

A Gift is a Gift is a Gift

I had been married for less than a month, after a long first marriage and five years of singleness between the two. My new husband and I had to both learn how to live with another person again. One night I walked into the bedroom while my husband dressed for bed and noticed he turned down his side of the bed but left mine intact. Doesn't he even notice that he ignored my side? Last night I turned down his side! The self-centered oaf, why didn't he think about me? From now on I will just turn down my side and leave his!

Isn't that silly?

Then I was reminded of a conversation I'd had with a friend a few days earlier. We discussed how, when we do something for another person--or give them something, expecting something in return--we can't call it a gift- if it has a price tag attached.

I asked myself, did I turn down his side of the bed so he would turn down mine? No, I turned it down because I wanted to do something nice for him, and if I expected repayment, then I couldn't consider my action as a loving gift.

A friend and I had recently discussed gift giving and how, when we give something to another person, attaching a price tag I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine! then it isn't a gift.

What difference does it make? It changes my expectations of others. It leads me to communicate more openly, to be more honest with myself and others. My gifts now are true gifts--with no price tag attached--given not for the need to get back. This has taught me to ask directly for what I want and need. If the other person can give it to me, they do. If they can't I accept that and work out another solution. I acknowledge their right to say no and do not take it personally.

Watch your own patterns of gift giving. Do you expect something in return? If so, learn to give without a string attached, without getting offended if you are not repaid. You will be surprised at the difference in your communication and relationship with others.

Remember, a gift is a gift is a gift.

The Healing Power of Assertive Behavior

Several years ago when I owned and ran InterActions, a private practice psychotherapy center where I provided individual, couple, family and group therapy, one of the most meaningful groups I led was Assertiveness For Women. In these group sessions we talked about the benefit of assertive behavior versus the damaging one-down position of passivity, and the one-ups-manship of aggressiveness. The damaging behavior of passivity and aggressiveness, as it relates to relationships, still damage people today.

Passive Behavior is being afraid to speak up, while aggressive people interrupt others while they are talking. When I am assertive I speak openly about what I need, what I expect, what I want, in clear, non-threatening language, and in an conversational tone. When someone interrupts me, or corrects me in front of others, I speak up in a non-threatening manner, letting them know I am still speaking and would like to finish my thoughts.

When I relate to others in an assertive manner, I show respect for the other person by the use of good eye contact. My expression matches my words. A passive person averts their eyes, and an aggressive person glares, trying to intimidate the other. When someone criticizes me, I ask for clarification and ask if the attack is a disguised request for a behavior change. If I can make that behavior change, I do. If I cannot, we negotiate.

A passive person will hurt themselves to avoid hurting someone else. An aggressive person protects themselves by hurting others, while an assertive person addresses the issue directly and in clear language, without attacking the other. I refuse to allow an aggressive person’s behavior to harm me by standing up for myself. I’ve been known to say, “I don’t speak that way to others, and will not allow others to use that voice speaking to me.” Try it sometime and feel the power!

Showing Up

I'm showing up today regardless of how good that bed felt this morning. I climbed out of bed, poured me a cup of coffee and took to thinking about what it takes to show up everyday.

Showing up, to me, is living in the present moment. To not spend my day thinking about what might happen, could happen, probably won't happen, or what I wish would happen. Being present is living in the moment. Connecting with my family and friends, listening, really listening to what they say. Listening also to myself. What is it that I need to say today to be authentic.

It includes being totally honest with myself and appreciating all I am. Recognizing and accepting that I, too, have a dark and a light side. It includes allowing myself to be vulnerable, to take risks, to know what my passion is and be willing to step out and take a risk to achieve it. To let go of one trapeze so that I can reach the other. Being present also means to put phoniness aside. To not 'act happy' when I feel lower than dirt.

It is not about proving to you by my actions that I am a good (or bad) person. Being present is about listening to our own inner voice and accepting ourself from that center part of our being. Name it, and claim it.

New Directions

Believing that it is all our jobs to help make our world a better place, this blog will hence forth be focusing on people, places, events or things that help make that happen.

One thing you can do to help me accomplish this is to become a follower of this blog (see where to do that in the column to your right). Then pass word along to others and ask them to join us celebrating our beautiful world and the people in it.

We will be talking about how to live more authentically. How to say what we mean, and how to be kind in doing so. How to be assertive and not let others put us in a one-down situation. How to find healing from trauma, how to celebrate life and those who help make it so, how to pay our blessings forward. Join me, and come back often!

Book Signings and Kindle 2

A week or so ago I was signing books at our local indie, Hill Country Bookstore, one of the best small bookstores in Texas. I was busy autographing my latest Sidra Smart mystery, DEAD WRECKONING. One lady came by, picked up the book and handed it to me to autograph for her. As she did so, she said, "It isn't on Kindle is it?"

"As a matter of fact, yes, it is," I replied.

"Oh, then if you don't mind, I'll just go home and buy it on Kindle. Would you mind autographing a book mark for me?"

Oh well, that sale isn't likely to happen, I thought as I wrote my name on the back of the bookmark.

The next day I received an email from the young woman letting me know she had indeed gone home and purchased a copy of Dead Wreckoning on Kindle. What a pleasant thing for her to do! You know, I am convinced, readers of mystery books are some of the nicest people in the whole wide world!

My birthday is this week, so guess what I did! Asked hubby for a Kindle 2, and got it yesterday! I figured if I am an old dog learning new tricks, I might as well get with the newest generation and learn what all the excitement is about!

Murder, She Writes

I remind myself so much of my dad, who always had something new going on that he had his hands in. My latest is talk radio. Beginning in May I will be hosting my own internet talk show titled Murder, She Writes. The program will air every Monday evening from 5 pm till 6. On it I will be interviewing women mystery authors. We will talk about their latest books, what it's like to be a female mystery author in a male-dominated genre--especially as far as book reviews go one. They will share their secrets about their work, their pets, their hobbies, and anything else that might surface. So check us out, tune us in and email in your questions of your favorite female mystery author!